12 mistakes to avoid when you’re writing a memoir

A memoir is one of the most personal projects you’ll ever work on. It means writing about your life experiences and making sense of them, sometimes years or decades after the fact. But for first-time memoir authors, balancing storytelling with personal insight isn't always easy. To ensure your book is both engaging and authentic – and doesn't get anyone into trouble – here are 12 mistakes to avoid when you're writing a memoir.

1. Telling the whole story

Some authors mistakenly think that a memoir is an autobiography, so they end up including everything that's happened to them. But here’s what you need to know: an autobiography covers a whole life; a memoir only covers a short period of time. This means you need to focus on the events or people that serve the story you’re telling.

If your memoir is about a journey to Borneo or overcoming an addiction, focus on that period of time only. Feel free to cover events before or after, but only if they add context to the story. Avoid unrelated childhood memories or family history. It may be interesting to you, but people outside your immediate circle may not find those stories as compelling. Keep them for your journal or family tree project. If your memoir is still too long, or your publisher has given you a strict word limit, see 12 ways to reduce your word count.

2. Starting at the beginning

While some memoirs start at the beginning, it can make for a predictable structure. It’s always more compelling to start with an inciting incident or key moment in your journey, and then go back, possibly just before the incident, and then continue with what happened after.

Alternatively, you could have themed chapters that jump back and forth in time, or weave two threads together, particularly if your memoir is a hybrid (for example, nutrition and personal development). However, this can make the chronology confusing for readers, so the first structure may be easier for novice memoir writers.

3. Not balancing scene and summary

Many memoirs read like journal entries, with a summary of feelings and thoughts. This can make the text abstract and monotonous for the reader. To bring events, people and places to life, use storytelling techniques. Describe what a city looked and smelled like. Show us how a scene played out (to the best of your recollection) and use the three-act structure to make it memorable (e.g. set-up, confrontation, resolution).

That said, not every event needs to be illustrated with a scene. If stakes rise, relationships shift or understanding deepens, use a story. If nothing changes or you’re just providing background information, use summary.

4. Repeating the same ideas

When you're writing a memoir, you may inadvertently describe the same event or feeling several times. This can happen when you use a non-linear structure, there are long gaps between writing sessions or when an issue or feeling is unresolved. (The mind has a tendency to keep going over the same issues, just like scratching an itch.)

But if repetition is intentional, signpost it. For example, you might be connecting an event described in chapter 3 to a new development in chapter 7. In that case, use transitions like ‘I mentioned earlier …’ or ‘Remember that doll that got burnt in the incinerator?’ so readers don’t think it’s accidental.

Repetition can also happen when you write without a plan. To avoid this, plot the structure before you begin, including all the events or personal insights that will appear in each chapter.

5. Making claims about other people’s motives

In memoirs, it’s often tempting to make assumptions about other people’s motives or intentions, particularly if they’ve wronged you in some way. But this is risky because deductions can be unreliable and inaccurate.

There could be more to the story than you realise, and making assumptions can damage personal relationships or reputations. This is why many publishers use defamation lawyers to check memoirs (and similar non-fiction books). A claim that looks innocuous to the untrained eye can be explosive and damaging to the person in question – and they may take legal action.

The best way to avoid this is to describe the behaviour and your response to it, without telling the reader what it could mean. Let them draw their own conclusions. If in doubt, consult a lawyer. You may need to rewrite the section or remove it altogether to avoid litigation.

6. Fabricating events or descriptions

It may be tempting to ‘embellish’ a scene if you can’t remember the specifics, but it’s best to avoid this. Someone may remember the event and challenge you, which can undermine the veracity of your story.

If your memory is hazy, admit this to the reader. Instead of making up dialogue, just say ‘It went something like this’. Or avoid speech quotes completely and paraphrase the exchange. For example, ‘He told me he didn’t go there, but I didn’t believe him. I asked if he knew who did, but he just shook his head’.

Also, be sure to add a disclaimer to your memoir in which you say that events and dialogue reflect your best recollection, and that some events may have been compressed for clarity. This can help cover you if someone challenges an event or representation.

7. Not asking for permission to use other people’s stories or lives

When you’re writing about your life, it invariably includes other people, and they may be adversely affected by what you say.

If your memoir includes details about a difficult relationship, let that person know. Will they agree to being included? Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s better than surprising them upon publication and watching that relationship deteriorate further.

Even if you depict someone favourably, make sure they know about the book and their part in it. They may want to protect their privacy for personal or professional reasons. If that’s the case, you can address this by stating in the disclaimer that some names and identifying details have been altered.

If changing details isn’t an option, consider writing a semi-autobiographical novel instead of a memoir. This gives you more freedom to embellish, reconstruct dialogues and explore difficult scenarios without worrying about how people may react.

8. Making other people one-dimensional

Memoirs tend to be ‘self-centred’, which means that readers get a strong portrait of the memoir writer – their feelings, their experiences, their observations, their insights – often at the expense of other people in the book.

When you’re introducing key people in the memoir, avoid generic descriptions such as ‘my sister’ or ‘Tess, my manager’. Show physical characteristics or habits to help readers visualise them, and include some anecdotes (as long as you've obtained permission). Treat them like characters that help make your story more well-rounded and compelling.

9. Using it as an opportunity to vent, blame or seek pity

Venting, or trauma dumping, is a common pitfall in memoirs. It usually focuses on victimhood, injustice or unhappiness. There’s nothing wrong with venting to get things off your chest, but some raw material shouldn’t appear in your book. Keep it in your therapist’s office or journal.

Also, try to avoid milking an emotion to extract pity. Readers may feel manipulated or worry that the author hasn’t processed their feelings yet. It’s more inspiring when the narrator is already ‘on the other side’, not still in the throes of their trauma.

As for blame, if an injustice was done, talk to the police or a relevant authority before writing the book. If a legal case is still active, be careful about what you reveal (see my earlier point about making claims about other people’s motives). It could prejudice the jury.

10. Not having an overarching theme or message

All memoirs should have a goal. Do you want to educate, inform, prevent harm, entertain? A journal-like narrative can be shapeless and unsatisfying for readers. They want to learn something new or feel inspired, so your story needs to have an arc of change.

If you’re not sure about your goal, ask yourself these questions. Where were you before? What did you go through? How did you survive it? Where are you now? What did you learn? If it’s a more uplifting story (like backpacking through the Andes or becoming a stand-up comedian), the questions may look different. Either way, readers need to extract meaning or insights from your experience.

11. Including more shade than light

Some memoirs include traumatic events – murder, child abuse, racism, violence – and can be harrowing to read, so it's important to provide some lighter moments for readers. You can do this by acknowledging happier times (either before or after the traumatic event) and weaving in light anecdotes. Not only does it give readers a breather, but it also adds dimension and complexity to your memoir.

Note: If your memoir includes sensitive or graphic material, such as physical abuse, animal cruelty, mental illness, suicide or similar themes, make sure you include a trigger warning so readers can make an informed decision about whether they want to read the book or not.  

12. Not spending enough time on self-editing

Getting your story down is one thing. Getting it ready for publication is another. Most first drafts are longer than they should be, and they’re often filled with irrelevant details and inadvertent repetition.

After you’ve finished your first draft, let it breathe for a few days or weeks, then go back and self-edit – multiple times. This means removing content that doesn’t serve the story, restructuring chapters for better flow, tightening language, fact-checking (you’d be surprised how much you get wrong!) and fixing spelling. For more on this process, see How to self-edit your non-fiction book.

Takeaways: 12 mistakes to avoid when you’re writing a memoir

Writing a memoir is an opportunity to talk about your life experiences and connect with readers on a deeper level – and maybe even inspire change. But there are common mistakes you need to look out for, such as repeating the same ideas, making claims about other people's motives, trauma dumping, making up details and not having an overarching message.

Once you address these issues – and self-edit rigorously – you'll have a memoir that's engaging and transformative, both for you and your readers!

Need a copyeditor who can ensure your memoir ticks all the right boxes? Get in touch for a quote or ask for a sample edit.