12 mistakes to avoid when you’re writing a memoir

A memoir is one of the most personal projects you’ll ever work on. It often means dredging up difficult experiences or emotions and making sense of them, usually months or years down the track. But writing a memoir isn't just a therapeutic exercise. It's a way of connecting with people, raising awareness or inciting action.

So if you’re planning to publish, your memoir needs to be credible and engaging, blending storytelling with personal reflection and insight. This isn't easy, which is why so many first-time writers fall into these common traps.

1. Telling the whole story

One of the biggest mistakes memoir writers make is conflating autobiography with memoir. In other words, they try to include EVERYTHING. But here’s what you need to know: an autobiography covers a whole life, while a memoir only covers a short period. This means you need to focus on the events or people that serve the story you’re telling, whether it’s a journey to Borneo, surviving domestic abuse or being a roadie with Cold Chisel.  

Yes, it can be tough excluding events or observations you feel are important. While they have a place in your journey, readers may find them extraneous or distracting. Focus on events where the stakes are high or insights are gained. If you’re having trouble cutting back, see 12 ways to reduce your word count.

2. Starting at the beginning

While some memoirs start at the beginning, it can make for a predictable structure. It’s always more engaging to start with an inciting incident or key moment in your journey, and then go back, possibly just before the incident, and then continue with what happened after.

Alternatively, you could have themed chapters that jump back and forth in time, or weave two threads together, particularly if your memoir is a hybrid (for example, if it combines scientific research with personal development). However, this can make the chronology confusing for readers, so the first structure may be easier for first-time memoir writers.

3. Not balancing scene and summary

This is one of the biggest issues I see in memoirs. Many read like journal entries, with a summary of feelings and thoughts. This can make the text abstract and monotonous for the reader.

To bring events, people and places to life, use more storytelling techniques. For example, describe what a city looked and smelled like. Show us how an event played out, moment by moment (to the best of your recollection), and use the three-act structure to make the scene powerful (e.g. setup, confrontation, resolution).

That said, not every event needs to be illustrated with a scene. Here’s a quick guide:

• If stakes rise, relationships shift or understanding deepens, use a story.

• If nothing changes or you’re just providing background information, use summary.

4. Repeating the same ideas

When you use a non-linear structure for your memoir, it’s easy to describe the same event or feeling multiple times. This isn’t surprising. If an issue or feeling is unresolved, the mind has a tendency to keep going over it, just like scratching an itch.

However, if repetition is there for a reason, signpost it. For example, you might be connecting an event described in chapter 3 to a new development in chapter 7. In that case, you can say ‘I mentioned earlier …’ or ‘Remember that doll that got burnt in the incinerator?’ so readers don’t think it’s accidental.

Repetition can also happen when you revise or restructure the memoir and forget that you’ve already mentioned something. To avoid this, plot the structure before you begin writing, including all the events or insights that will be included in each chapter.

5. Making claims about other people’s motives

In memoirs, it’s often tempting to make assumptions about other people’s motives, particularly if they’ve wronged you in some way, but this is risky because observations and deductions can be unreliable and inaccurate.

There could be more to the story than you realise, and making assumptions can damage personal relationships or reputations. This is why many publishers get their memoirs checked by a defamation lawyer. A claim that looks innocuous to the untrained eye can be explosive and damaging to the person in question – and they may take legal action.

The best way to avoid this is to describe the behaviour and your response to it, without telling the reader what it could mean. Let them draw their own conclusions. If in doubt, consult a lawyer. You may need to rewrite the section or remove it altogether to avoid trouble.

6. Fabricating events or descriptions

Just because memoirs use narrative elements doesn’t mean they make things up. It may be tempting to ‘embellish’ a scene if you can’t remember the specifics, but it’s best to avoid this. Someone may remember the event and challenge you, which can undermine the veracity of your story.

If your memory is hazy, admit this to the reader. They’ll respect it. And instead of making up dialogue, just say ‘It went something like this’. Or avoid speech quotes completely and just paraphrase the exchange. For example, ‘He told me he didn’t go there, but I didn’t believe him. I asked if he knew who did, but he just shook his head’.

Also, be sure to add a disclaimer to your memoir in which you say that events and dialogue reflect your best recollection, and that some events may have been compressed for clarity.

7. Not asking for permission to use other people’s stories or lives

When you’re writing about your life, it invariably includes other people, and they may be adversely affected by what you say.

If your memoir includes details about a difficult relationship, let that person know. Will they agree to it? Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s better than surprising them upon publication and watching that relationship deteriorate further.

Even if you depict someone favourably, make sure they know about the book and their part in it. They may want to protect their privacy for personal or professional reasons. If that’s the case, you can address this by changing their name and stating in the disclaimer that some names and identifying details have been altered.

If changing details isn’t an option, consider writing a semi-autobiographical novel instead of a memoir. This gives you more freedom to embellish, reconstruct dialogues and explore difficult scenarios without worrying about how people may react.

8. Making other people one-dimensional

Memoirs tend to be very ‘self-centred’, which means that readers get a strong portrait of the memoir writer – their feelings, their experiences, their observations, their insights – often at the expense of other people in the book, making them shadowy and one-dimensional.

When you’re introducing key people in the memoir, don’t just say ‘my sister’ or ‘Tess, my manager’. Show physical characteristics or habits to help readers visualise them, and include some anecdotes (as long as they've granted you permission). Treat them like characters in a novel that help make your story more well-rounded and engaging.

9. Using it as an opportunity to vent, blame or seek pity

Venting, or trauma dumping, is a common pitfall in memoirs. It usually focuses on victimhood, injustice or unhappiness. There’s nothing wrong with venting to get things off your chest, but that sort of raw material shouldn’t appear in a book. Keep it in your therapist’s office or journal.

Also, try to avoid milking an emotion to extract pity. Readers may feel manipulated or worry that the author still hasn’t processed their feelings. It’s better to have a narrator who is already ‘on the other side’, not still in the throes of their trauma.

As for blame, if an injustice was done, talk to the police or a relevant authority before writing the book. If a legal case is still open, be careful about what you reveal (see my earlier point about making claims about other people’s motives). It could prejudice the jury.

10. Not having an overarching theme or message

All memoirs should have a goal. Do you want to educate, inform, prevent harm, entertain? A journal-like narrative without a message can be unsatisfying for readers. They want to learn something new or feel inspired, so your story needs to have an arc of change.

If you’re not sure about your goal, ask yourself these questions. Where were you before? What did you go through? How did you survive it? Where are you now? If it’s a more uplifting story (like backpacking through the Andes or becoming a stand-up comedian), the questions may look different. Either way, readers need to extract meaning or insights from your experience.

11. Including more shade than light

Some memoirs can be harrowing, so provide some lighter moments for readers. This can be done by acknowledging happier times (either before or after the traumatic event) and weaving in humorous anecdotes. Not only does it give readers a breather, but it also adds dimension and complexity to your story.

Note: If your memoir includes graphic material, such as physical abuse, animal cruelty, suicide or similar, make sure you include a trigger warning so readers can make an informed decision about whether they want to read the book.  

12. Not spending enough time self-editing

Getting your story down is one thing. Getting it ready for publication is another. Most first drafts are longer than they should be, and they’re often filled with irrelevant (or contentious) details and inadvertent repetition.

After you’ve finished your first draft, let it breathe for a few days or weeks, then go back and self-edit. This means removing content that doesn’t serve the story, restructuring chapters for better flow, tightening language, fact-checking (you’d be surprised how much you get wrong) and fixing spelling. For more on this process, see How to self-edit your non-fiction book.

Takeaways: 12 mistakes to avoid when you’re writing a memoir

Writing a memoir can make you feel vulnerable, but it’s an opportunity to connect with readers on a deeper level. You can do this by carefully planning your memoir, using storytelling techniques and avoiding common mistakes, like repeating events or ideas, making claims about someone’s motives, trauma dumping and not having an overarching message.

When you’re close to your work, it’s almost impossible to see these things, but once you’re aware of them, they’re easy to remedy!

Need a copyeditor who can ensure your memoir is focused and engaging – without sacrificing authenticity? Get in touch for a quote or ask for a sample edit.